Care-Taking: The learned habit of placing the needs of others ahead of your own. The other name for Care-Taking is Codependence. We do this when we "Enable" or "Rescue" people that are leading irresponsible lives. Enablers provide day-to-day support (emotional, financial, etc), while Rescuers leap in at the last minue and save others from paying the consequences of their actions and/or mistakes. Once the pattern is in place it becomes a habit. Care-Takers get so lost in the lives of others they loose a sense of self, and increasingly try to change others more than themselves. Care-Taking is on Page 23 in book.
1. What can a person do to break the cycle and "stop" Care-taking and "start" Care-giving?
Answer: The first thing you must learn to do is to allow people to learn from their own mistakes. Learning occurs when individuals are allowed to feel the pain of their own irresponsibility. Secondly begin investing in your own life. My bet is that if you are a Care-taker that you are so involved in the lives of others that when you look in the mirror you see all the people that depend on you. Rescuing and enabling have become a day to day event in your life. I'll bet you know more about what others need than you understand of yourself. I am asking you to become centered on yourself; or if you will Self-Centered. I am not asking you to be mean, selfish or unkind; I am asking you to put your needs at a higher priority and only allow yourself to invest in others AFTER you have invested in your own likes, interests and needs. Resist helping any one that has caused problems do to their own irresponsibly. By the way, don't be upset when the person you have been helping gets angry when you stop. After all you are the one that changed and it is costing them misery.
Care-giving on the other hand means that you allow yourself to be available for others only after you have taken care of yourself. No more enabling or rescuing! From now on you do not invest in the problems of others that you did not create. Rather you listen, assist and brain storm when needed. Care-givers work on building relationships that are sound and reliable. They are people that know the meaning of give and take, and never give to someone that is taking advantage of others. Care-givers know when to say "no" and value relationships that are based on growth and prosperity. It is easy to become a Care-giver once you have stopped allowing others from using you as a resource for recovering from their bad decisions.
2. Care-givers set healthy boundaries. They walk the walk with others but don't carry them. How can carrying someone be harmful to both parties?
A few years ago I had a client that gave a substantial allowance to a son that went to college. Unfortunately he failed and was suspended. She continued to support him --he did not develope a sense of value. He spent his allowance freely without grasping how much effort, time and energy he would have needed to invest to make that income. Whereas working would have brought him in touch with finding the self-descipline necessary to meet the demands of a work schedule, reporting to others and developing a sense of personal satisfaction; taking money without earning it disconnected him from reality. In this case, the son ultimately continued an irresponsible lifestyle, and the mother exhausted her financial, spiritual and emotional assets grieving for a son that did not flurish. Yet she was part of the problem and not part of the solution.
3. Codependents lose themselves emotionally by getting too involved in the lives of others. Whey they attempt to correct this by getting more "centered" in their own lives they often report feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Why?
Answer: The life of a Codependent (Care-taker) is typically one of generously giving their time, energy and resources to others in need. By definition a Care-taker enables or rescues people that do not adequately meet their own responsibilities. When a Codependent "shifts" their attention to themselves it is not surprising that they are often more alone than they are accustomed too. This is a surprise as Care-takers sometimes expect that those they have helped will be more available. Some are hurt because they really believed they had a close relationship, and they expected to be missed. Contrary to all this, Care-takers find that the people the benefited are not there for them as they are accustomed to receiving and not giving. This leads to a change in lifestyle. At least in the beginning there is a sense of loss as those they expected to remain near and dear drift away instead of giving back.
4. When a codependent rescues another person from their problems, they take responsibility for that person's irresponsibly. How is rescuing different from enabling?
Answer: Enabling, by my definition, is providing a lifestyle for another person which is above that which they could achieve for themselves. So in the previous example given in question # 2 the mother was providing an allowance to her son for the purpose of going to college (when in fact he was suspended). Here the mother is enabling. A time later, the son was arrested for Driving Under the Influence (DUI) but forgot about a court appearance. The mother contacted a lawyer and had him personally escort her son to the court house to prevent a warrant for arrest from being issued. This is Rescuing. Other examples might be giving someone money to pay their rent prior to their eviction, or allowing someone to live with you because they lost everything in a drug binge.
