Scorecarding: Selectively bringing up past failures for the purpose of winning a argument, beating someone down or pointing out other failures. Tends to be damaging to relationships as it only rekindles past failures and have a negative impact on maintaining positive, optimistic or "solutions" oriented. This 13 minute recording was taped during a live presentation. Contact me at profgap@tampabay.rr.com if you have questions. Dr GAP
1. When a scorecard item surfaces, it brings anchored negative emotions tied to past events. Staying in the present moment helps a person avoid giving too much attention to the past. Why does this work?
Answer: When we stay focused on the problem at hand, and direct our positive energies to that present issue we avoid bringing stored negative energy (anchored negative memories) to the situation at hand. When we allow ourselves to bring up past negative experiences our anchored emotional baggage from the past invades our peace of mind and we begin to unravel. In other words, the memories of the past introduce negative emotions that kill our positive energy to move on and find a solution. Some people bring us multiple scorecard items and become so involved with reliving the past score card items that they start arguing about things that are irrelevant to the problem that started it all. By staying in the present moment, focusing on the problem at hand, and by not allowing scorecard items to surface we are able to focus our available energy to finding a solution. By doing this we increase our odds for success and minimize the past negative experiences from dragging us down into the pattern of unsolved problems that lurk behind us. Once you experience the success of doing this it becomes easier to do it again.
2. Good friends never remind each other of their past failures. Troubled couples often forget how to be friend's - they scorecard! What happens when the scorecard gets full?
Answer: I use the concept of a scorecard as a metaphor to illustrate that people tend to keep mental records that record negative experiences, hurt feelings or other violations that were done against them (real or perceived). So in this sense I am asking you to consider what happens when you have so many negative records that you shift from being attracted to someone to repulsed by them. In some cases people use the expression they "fell out of love". However, what I want you to think about is that there comes a time when there is so much on the scorecard that our emotions change and we loose our enthusiasm, desire or passion for the other person. In later material I talk about the 5 levels of relationships (lovers, companion, roommate, friend or acquaintance). In some cases the "full scorecard" results in the person loosing their desire to be emotionally involved on an intimate level and they move back down the 5 levels pyramid from "companions" to "friends". I have had clients that were emotionally divorce all together and didn't even want an acquaintance level relationship!. Read statements on pages 4, 12, 44 and What is Love? page 169.
3. Why does showing someone their mistakes beat them down... but recognizing their successes build them up? (Relate the to scorecarding)
Answer: There are many motivational books that inspire people to higher levels of achievment and goal attainment. One common thread to all of them is that "optimism" is a force multiplier. Most people have experienced the positive effects of being around a person that believes in you and encourages you to higher levels of achievement. When we feel good about ourselves, and our relationship to the world around us we preform better! We tackle levels of resistance or adversity and push through to achieve our goals. Just as you might sit here and reflect over your best achievements - and with that bring a feeling of well-being and desire; you can also choose to reflect back on every miserable mistake you ever made -and with that bring a feeling of dread and distain. Success and achievment are about meeting your goals and pushing through the limitations that prevent you from moving forward. In my mind, pessimism guaratees failure! Don't allow people to introduce negative energy into your life. Avoid people that cut you down or live in the past. Embrace those that encourage you to higher levels of achievement and are willing to cheer you on.
4. When a person anticipates negative in another person, they become increasingly removed from the good things that person does. How can you better recognize when this is happening?
Answer: Negative Anticipation sometimes becomes a habit that needs to be broken! I don't know about your past, but lets assume that there have been people dear to you that disappointed you. Unfortunately if the pattern of disappointment becomes so typical it is easy to see that it becomes illogical to "expect" anything positive.
So in effect you have been trained to expect nothing good. But listen to what I have just said. You have been conditioned by others that will dramatically impact the levels of harmony, happiness and success that you can attain. Give that power to no one. Have Positive Anticipation (expectations) --- and when you find yourself having Negative Anticipation, set limits and take action to raise boundaries so that disappointment is not a word in your vocabulary.
So I give you 3 suggestions: 1. Measure people by their actions more than their words; 2. know what your needs are and ask for them; 3. Draw closer to you those people that attempt to satisfy your needs, and remove those from your life that do not.
